I miss being free.

I miss being able to plan my own time to do my own stuff.

I miss being able to do my own things without worrying about what tomorrow will bring.

Being an assistant producer is probably one of the most dedicated jobs in the world.

Dedicated as in: You can't be an AP if you don't dedicate your entire life to it.

I'VE LOST MY HANDPHONE.

IF ANYBODY FOUND IT, PLEASE CALL MY HOUSE @ 62241664

Why the fuck do I try so hard when everything eventually goes wrong?

When everything goes wrong, the person who did the most work GETS THE BLAME.

Why?

For obvious reasons. Because he did the most work.

FUCK.

FML.

How can so many wrong things happen in one day?

Masks

There is a mistake that everybody makes.

The presumption that they are always correct and everybody else is wrong.

It's hidden under a mask called "self-confidence".

....

Throughout my life I never had much. Slowly, in the recent years, I meet truly humble people and unparalleled boastful people. It's only now when I start to compare; where is my place in humanity?

The more I see the world, the more I feel smalled. Like a child that has always been swimming in a swimming pool, thrown to speculate the size of the ocean.

HOW MUCH AM I WILLING TO SACRIFICE TO ATTAIN MY GOALS?

In fact...

What is my goal?

I tell this to everybody who asks me this question:
First and foremost, to make sure that when I'm at the end of my life, I can look back, smile and tell myself that I have no regrets.

... that I can tell that I have impacted the world in some way...

... that I can touch my heart and say that I did everything conscionable...

... that I can close my eyes and know that when I open them again, I will be able to give a full and justifiable report; a report that would make my Father smile and say, 'well done'.

Yes.

It's vague. Seriously, it's so sweeping that it makes "goals" seem really out of context.



Some people say that I'm doing too much work.
Some people say that I'm doing too little work (compared to their time).

I feel that no work is too much for me if there is something inside it for me to learn.
(As quoted from my Shi Fu: Fu Ying)

An ex-good friend of mine told me this:
"You treat everybody as stepping stones, being close to them when you need them and discarding them like rubbish when you don't"."

It gave me pause to a scathing conversation that I was having with him.

It scared me.

Have I become such a monster?

Have I become so ruthless, have I become like the people that I hate in the first place?

Over the years, I've learnt never to trust anybody except myself. It's what gives me strength, knowing that as long as I don't delegate "trust" to anybody, I can never fail Me.



... Nobody really knows who is the real me.

Nobody knows because I don't want anybody to know.
For people who think they know me, they merely know what I want them to know about me.

Dig as they might, they will not find beyond what I want them to know about me.

I'm a person who has put on so many masks in my life that I've forgotten which is my real face anymore.

If you think you see Andrew as intelligent and hardworking - It's what I want you to think
If you think you see Andrew as slow and lazy - It's what I want you to think

If you think Andrew is pious and filial - It's what I want you to think
If you think Andrew is hedonistic and unfilial - It's what I want you to think

It's in this moments when I flash a mask over my face, so quickly that sometimes, I don't notice it myself.

... at this moment, when I look back at my self-defense mechanisms, I scare myself.
I scare myself because sometimes, when you put on mask, you cannot take it off without consequences.



Without consequences.



Even in the stifling office, with nobody around me, I'm still putting on a mask.

There are piles of tapes and papers around me, giving an illusion that I'm swamped.

I'll never really get out of this cycle.



If you really want to be close to me, you'll have to accept that you'll never really know the true me. You can tear off as many masks that I have, but there will always be one underneath to replace it.
... Because I've forgotten which one is my original face.

Hemorrhaging Thoughts

It's been like almost forever since I last posted on my blog, even I am starting to wonder if it's still alive or not...
*attempts to resuscitate*

sigh... Life is pretty much no longer like a roller coaster. It's like a permanently upside down roller coaster.
They said that life would get easier in P5, but I'm inclined to disagree.

True, it's not as physically exhausting as Chinese Drama, but the mental torment is psychotic. My outlook calendar is frightening.
Not even in my army days has my outlook calendar look so psychotic, even during IKC2 periods...

Working hours are also significantly longer then Chinese Drama..

=/

I keep telling myself, I'm not here to earn money, I'm not here to play, I'm not here to enjoy myself.
I'm here to learn, to make friends, to get contacts.

I'm here to build my portfolio. To ensure my success for a future that seems so bleak.

Upcoming Projects

1) Lose To Win Season 2
2) The Winning Post
3) Badminton Opens
4) Commonwealth Games 2010
5) Youth Olympics, Singapore 2010
6) Aviv Swimming Meet
7) Formula One, Singapore
8) Asian Games, Guangzhou 2010

By the end of this year, I vow to have all 8 projects completed successfully on my portfolio...




sometimes... like a child running away from home, I keep turning around to look back... My past was really unique, something that few people can ever compare to. But despite all the trauma and mishaps, I still pulled through...

Maybe I became a monster, maybe I became better.. I don't know...


In the silence, sometimes all I want is to hear your voice...
It's lonely, when you sacrifice everything to pursue one thing.

I don't know how long you can hold on...

But if you believe, don't let go.

I can go berserk, I can go crazy, I can become terribly spiteful, I can become sarcastically painful. I can be nasty, I can be irritating, I can be downright malicious.

But if you let go, I'll really, really fall forever..
















I love you.
You may not believe it.
I may not believe it.
I love you.

A List of Thanks

Have you wondered why the most hellish places on earth are the most memorable?

I realized that it's because in these places, people are forced to stick together, reconcile differences and share their misery.. and it is when they realize that they're not alone in their state, friendships are formed.

I'm really going to miss working in Channel 8 Drama Department, simply because the people there are (read:) AWESOME. A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

Author's disclaimer: I'm referring to the people who work with me, NOT the LKKs upstairs who couldn't give two fucks on the suffering of their own subordinates downstairs.

I suck at Chinese. Seriously. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm an English speaking person. Jiak Kantang pai. But the people in Chinese Drama try to talk to me in English, knowing that I have difficulty communicating to them in Chinese during certain stressful moments.

I'm thankful that for the two shows I'm personally involved in, my directors are such fantastic people:

1) Wen Wen (Wu Fu Dao)

2) Yiyou (Wo Zai Ni Zuo You)

and my APs,

1) Yishan (Wu Fu Dao)

2) Jian Ting (Wo Zai Ni Zuo You)

it's funny, when you look back on everything. All these crazy stress and working hours made us all uber cranky as well.

We all do stupid things when we are tired + stressed + crazy + depressed.

To my Chinese Drama friends:

- Yishan (AP)

- Fiona (AP)

- Christina (AP)

- Joyce (AP)

- Jian Ting (AP)

- Ziqing (AP)

- Wilson

- Anna

- Jyashika

- Shi Yi

- Xin Ni

- Shuang Ying

- Shu Ying

- Wei Liang

- Carmen

- Xiao Peng You (AP)

- Janet (AP)

- Yan Ping (AP)

- Zann (AP)

- Shi Ni (AP)

- Hong Ren (AP)

- Nicole (AP)

- Liang Cai (AP)

- Josephine Da Jie (Wardrobe)

- Mong Kok Da Ge (Wardrobe)

- Jin Hua Da Jie (Wardrobe)

- Mei Zhen Da Jie (Wardrobe)

- Sasha (Wardrobe)

- Alvin (Makeup)

- Wai Gor (Makeup)

- Rina (Casting)

- Rinea (Casting)

- Liyun (PC)

- Lingli (PC)

- Wen Wen (Director)

- Lai Ling (Director)

- Yi You (Director)

and many many people who made my life so much more bearably easier in CD, THANK YOU!!

*huggs*

I know most of you will never see this post, but I just want to keep this post to remind me of every single one of you who thought me so many things.

12 more days! Good bye! xD

The Light at the end of the Tunnel

People wonder how far life can take them.

I wonder how far I can push life.

... seriously. I don't think I've fallen so sick for a long time. Just when I've got a nice day off, I had to fall sick.

Doesn't happen in army, seem to happen all the time now.

Mediacorp Channel 8 is pretty much the most hellish of hellholes there is for "work" out there. I mean, clocking 100 hours a week on average? No OT? No planned offs?

Not many people can afford that kind of life.

However, those that can, realize that when they leave, they leave with a wealth of experience no amateur can hope to garner within a short span.

Haha.. for those of you who are already guessing by now.

YES
YES
YES!!

I am leaving Channel 8 for good!

My first new year resolution for the year is going to be fulfilled within... lets see.. 27 days!! OMG!!!

Haha.. I feel so exhilarated.

True, I was having the learning experience of a lifetime there, but my body stamina was beginning to take a toll and yes, my self-assumed indestructible body seems to be taking a strain.

I'm grinning to myself as I type this on my friend's laptop just outside Starbucks.

*cough*

I'm also offered to continue to fill in a position as Assistant Producer for Channel 5.

I don't consider it either a boon or bane, as it's a totally different world and culture over there. Hahaha.. how many of my colleagues would die to be pushed over there... *winks at Carmen*

I can see my gym routine, my anaerobic and aerobic cycles coming back, and being able to play in the band once again!

xD

This is joyous. I can hear angels singing. =p

Thank God.

But now, I'm caught between whether I should presume that I'm selected for the local university and if yes, should I just do a fun job for the next 4 months, or should I continue trying to gain as much experience as possible.

I realized, only when one of my friends informed me, that I've never ever really had a long break in my life before..

Between Primary and Secondary school: No break.

Between Secondary and Poly: 6 months break, worked as a chef in Pastamania

Between Poly and NS: 9 months break, worked as an AV Producer in STOMP

Between NS and Uni: 10 months break, have been working for 6 months as Asst. Producer in Mediacorp...

should I take a break and relax for once?

I'm really at an impasse.

Sigh.

But knowing my character, I won't be able to stay still for long.

If I'm actually forced to take a break and not work, (assuming I still have a trickle of pocket money), I'd probably take to going to the gym 5 days a week and cooking for the other two.

My mind is really quite cluttered with happy thoughts.

I mean, the near future doesn't seem quite as dreary for the time being.

and... for all my friends whom I have knowingly neglected for the past months, we should have a good long celebration soon yeah!

haha...

I'm saving up money for my university. Managed to save quite a hefty sum already in my opinion. But I won't rest until I get at least 3500 in a solid lump sum.

sigh.... University IS expensive...

okok... Going home le! =)